Volume 1: Somehow..
January 24th, 2009 by silly-lillySomehow… I guess that I’m at a sort of ‘bend’ in my life now. Not the U-turn sort of bend, but maybe the zig-zag bends that you often find on the side of the road on the edge of some cliff. I don’t know. I have to admit, it taking it’s toll on me. I am positive of the fact that I am a strong person deep down. But these says, I find myself being pushed to the limit of breaking down. I’m not ashamed to admit that I cry a lot in the past 6 months than I have all my life. I find that the constant flow of salty water from your eyes gives somewhat of an exit to all the emotions bolted up inside. But somehow, I’ve managed to realize that even if I cry myself a river, no emotions will really go. They won’t go that easily without putting their own fight.
It’s incredible that somehow I come to doubt myself even in the most extraordinary ways. Now I see myself as a totally different person that I used to be. I’s aged. Dragged by time and the essence it brings. I’ve seasoned. I could feel the changes happening to me. Emotionally more than physically. I now understand the responsibility that everyone faces when their lives come to that stand still, which leaves you to fend for yourself. Being the hunter as apposed to being the hunted. But what I don’t understand is that how I am under prepared for the extremities that it brings. It bugs me to feel that way. Unsecured.
But thanks to the Mighty God that has graciously given me His grace.
The pain of bottling it all up has subdued and I have confidence that it will, if not now, someday, go away. I’ll only pray that my efforts will not be worthless.
I envy the others that are just leaking happiness out of them. But isn’t there something wrong? There must be! I know i sound mean, but it just keeps me sane to think that everyone has their own problems to deal with. Just that they’re not sharing every single detail with the rest of the universe doesn’t mean that they don’t have any. Everyone has their fair share of hardship and struggles. It’s all part of God’s plan for us. I should know better! I shouldn’t go around thinking like that! It’s bad enough just thinking about it. I know better now.
How exactly does it feel being me? Agonizingly self conscious and obnoxiously paranoid. But after 22 years of breathing you learn to keep these ‘unwanted’ behaviors safely at bay. They don’t shoot of like a wild gunshot like they used to. I managed to keep them in order, to tame the beast within. It’s not that hard when you manage to get a grip on things.
And yes I know! I’m mental.
Relationships. I hate talking about this actually. This brings me back memories that I only wish that I could forget. But I’m only human. I remember things. the vivid ones are often a mix of pain, hardship and comfort and joy. Don’t we all? But how cool would it be to be able to remember every single second of your life. But I bet It’ll be enough to drive anyone up the wall. If we were not created with the ability to sift out the ‘less important’ memories, we’ll probably be running out of ‘memory space’ at the age of 5! Again, we are all just human. And I for one am greatful for being a human.
So another night’s sleep will begin with a sigh of relief. And hopefully it will carry me into a dreamless night. And God’s willing, for me to wake up in the morning.
P/S: I honestly did not expect to finish this post tonight. There has been a few attempts before this. But none succeeded. I enjoyed writing this. It’s like a therapy in some ways. It lets the stress and frustration flow in a more articulate manner.
Like the famous saying goes "Somethings just have to be left unsaid" :D. 